vitamin b: all that you can be

I think I've finally figured out how to achieve world peace, mend hostile relations between men and women, ensure that cats and mice can co-exist in the world, and eliminate Joan Crawfordesque parenting: vitamin B.  I think the world needs a big fat daily dose of vitamin B complex.*

I know it's a tough pill to swallow to admit that you (yes,YOU) are an irritable, cranky bastard who lashes out at innocent people when something doesn't swing your way. But you know what? It's time you swallowed the pill and started making the world a better place. Have you ever stopped to listen to yourself when you go batshit on the salesgirl because those jeans you tried on made your butt look flat? Must you really slap your kids when they reach out for the candy? Don't you realize that if you keep your face in a perpetual snarl like that, it may get stuck?  I know you think the problem is that everyone else is unreasonable and/or working against you.  Truthfully, though, the problem is that you haven't been taking your vitamin B. 

***

I stumbled onto the magical powers of vitamin B several months back, around the time I was trying to identify the mysterious ailment that had sent me to the ER in the middle of the night, barefoot and braless.  Oh, I could tell you tales of the numerous (lame-o) doctors I saw and tests I took, but perhaps that is another story for another day.  I will say that thanks to the Internets and my diligent recordation and investigation of the bizarre symptoms I had been experiencing, I was able to trace the offending source to a hormone imbalance.  Yep, the hormones within (not, "the whore moans within.")

Upon discovering this, I realized that a hormone imbalance might also explain another strange symptom that had recently re-reared its ugly head: on several occasions I had felt really edgy and irritable, as if about to snap, with anyone who happened to be human or canine. It reminded me of a time in my life about seven years ago, when Jade was still a toddler.  I would be going about my business when suddenly, out of nowhere, I would feel my blood start to boil for no reason at all. Bell would come home from work all happy and kissy and say something innocuous like, "Hi cutie! How was your day?" Inside my evil head I'd snarl, "And just what is that supposed to mean?" although it would come out more like, "Ohhhhh. Fine. [deep exhale]"

This unusual mental/emotional state worried me.  I'm normally a rather laid back person, yet I felt as if someone had implanted a stick of TNT (with a short fuse) inside my head. It troubled me that I could not identify the source of my agitation. If I was going to spend my time feeling so angry and irritable, I at least wanted to be able to pin it on something specific. I knew I could be a much more efficient bitch if I could concentrate my wrath all in one place.  So I started going through a mental list of things that might be disturbing me, but I always came up short.   

After several incidents like this, I began to notice a little pattern--a little monthly pattern, if you will.  I know it sounds naive, but in all my years on the rag, I had never had any remotely PMS-ish symptoms (okay, I had a cramp in high school once).  In fact, I confess that I used to think that all those girls and women who complained about PMS were just looking for an excuse to lash out at someone and skip P.E. class.

Annnnywho, included in my regimen to get my hormones (not just the girly ones, btw) was a vitamin B complex. And you know what? I swear on your mother's life I was back to my old self within a week. No boiling blood. No unjustified anger and frustration and crankiness. No worries. It's been a pretty smooth ride ever since.

***

Last week I left my office at 3:00 p.m. and didn't get home until 11:00 p.m.  On my way home from work, some drugged-out truck driver got into an accident, spilling hazardous material all over the freeway, causing a big fire.  I was only 20 minutes from home when traffic came to a complete stop.  The highway patrol shut down the freeway. Not surprisingly, the line of cars built up pretty quickly, as that freeway is the only (normally) available route heading in that direction. The only other road is through a Marine base, which is very strict about civilian access.

I sat around for an hour, my car stopped like everyone elses. The sun beat down on us, which made it blistering hot without the air conditioning.   After an hour of sitting there, a nice man in the car next to me offered to guide me over to the shoulder of the road, where I could back up and eventually exit the freeway. Word on the street was to expect a three-hour shutdown. So I threw the car in reverse and got the hell out of there. Since I couldn't go home, I headed in the opposite direction and went shopping.  Then I had sushi. 

It was quite pleasant, at least until my tranquility was disrupted by the sound of a kid crying, then the voice of an ogre-ish woman.  "GEORGE!" she yelled. "YOU SEE? I told you not to buy her this candy. Look what she done! She spilled the WHOLE GODDAMN BAG all over the floor! I TOLD YOU not to give it to her but you just had to, didn't you? Dammit! Look at this mess!" Then she stormed out.

That left George alone to yell at the little girl, who was still crying because she wanted to eat the floor candy.  Instead of picking up the hazardous jelly beans (I think that would have been the courteous thing to do), he told her that not only was he not going to buy her more, he wasn't even going to buy the whole family dinner.  (That'll learn 'em, George.) "Just get in the car!" he yelled. 

Around 7:30 p.m., I decided to get back on the road, sure that the freeway would be open. But no.  The authorities finally decided to route all the rush hour traffic and beyond through the little two-lane road on the Marine base.  We crept along at a (disabled, tired, old) snail's pace.  I knew we weren't going anywhere soon, so I decided to make the best of it.  I listened to music; talked to Bell and the kids on the phone (Kai told me that if I was stuck behind cars I should just "turn the corner"); watched the sun fade into the ocean, creating cool orange sky; saw the last of the surfers; scanned for dolphins; started reading "Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell"; brushed and flossed; filed down some offending fingernails; scribbled some notes; thought about funny things that have happened in my life; called friends on my cell; and tsk-tsked foolish women walking in the dark alone.  In fact, I did pretty much everything except get pissed off or yell or hit things. At one point I was talking to My New Friend, who remarked, "You sound so calm for someone who's been sitting in traffic for hours."

"That's because I'm not the one at home bathing and feeding two kids." And also because I'd had my vitamin B.

About an hour and a half into my crawl home, I was stopped in front of a Denny's. It reminded me of high school, when we used to kidnap our friends in the middle of the night and take them to Denny's in their pajamas. I was smiling at the memories, looking lovingly upon Denny's when, in the parking lot, I couldn't believe my eyes. There she was--a large wrathful woman yelling at an eye-rolling man--it was GEORGE!  Sushi George and his raging wife!  Apparently he thought the better of his plan to teach his family a lesson by starving them, and he took them to Denny's.  Or maybe he was willing to sacrifice his parental credibility for the prospect of shutting his wife up by stuffing food into her cakehole.  Either way, It must suck to be everyone in George's family.

***

You know how you never notice something until it happens to you, and then it seems like you see it everywhere? (For example, I never paid attention to how many pregnant people walk the planet until I was pregnant with my first kid.)  Well, I see cranky, crabby, angry people** everywhere now, and I always say to them (inside my head) "you are so in need of some vitamin B." I am trying to channel this message to them because in my experience, it feels so much better to feel good than it does to feel bad.

You think I'm kidding about all this, but below, from my Jehovah-for-Children reader, are scenes depicting actual people obviously deficient in vitamin B:

Do not try to cut in front of someone at the buffet line unless you're sure they've had their RDA of the stress vitamin.

Here, a gang of B-deficient hooligans goes effin' off on an innocent bystander.

This is just wrong in so many ways.

__

*I am not a doctor and am not here dispensing or attempting to dispense medical advice. Nor do I have any idea about the specific injustices, daily stresses, or chemical imbalances you suffer. I'm just sayin'.

**I'm not just speaking of women here. You men have your hormonal cycles and irritable moods, too.  See, e.g., Jehovah's pics (above).

Comments

[CM]

My mom says it's healthy to eat things off the floor because they have vitamin B. Or maybe she meant vitamin D, for dirt.

[dgm]

cm, i think your mom is a clever woman who simply dislikes sweeping the floor. :-)

[Kevin Perkins, CEO Greenlight Wireless]

Sugar-free Full Throttle is a an excellent source of Vitamin B!

[dgm]

kevin perkins, ceo greenlight wireless: so this explains why you are always so jovial with small woodland creatures and, indeed, all other living beings.

[juanita]

i agree 100% with you. i started drinking tension tamer tea which has a lot of vitamin B. i started feeling great. and when you drink energy drinks..you feel so good because theres sooo much B vitamins in it