the crappiest place on earth

The other day, since I was going to be home with Kai and Jade had the day off from school, I planned a big surprise for them. I would tell them we were going to do errands when in fact, I would take them to Disneyland, The Happiest Place on Earth (TM). I took great pains to pack a backpack of necessities for a long, very hot day (it had been in the 90s earlier in the week).  I brought extra shoes, sweatshirts, foodsnacks, water, sunscreen, pen and paper, bandaids, hats, and lollipops for the roadtrip. I was prepared.

I had planned the outing with My New Friend, who was driving separately with her twins. At one point we passed them on the freeway and even waved at each other, but both Jade and Kai were oblivious to my gesture. That's probably because I sometimes randomly wave to or smile at people in their cars regardless of whether I know them. Several times My New Friend called me on my cell and we spoke about our progress (albeit cryptically) and still my children lacked the curiosity to inquire about who I was speaking to and why so round-aboutly.(n.1) Perhaps they had adopted indifference as their coping strategy, so that they could endure what they believed would be "going on stupid errands with Mom." In any event, they were none the wiser about my Great Plan. However, at one point Kai asked when I was going to "stop driving the car and park somewhere" simply because I had been driving for what seemed to be a long time for an errand.

Jade's indifference strategy involved a Calvin & Hobbes treasury, which she had checked out from the library a few days before.  She kept her face crammed in it and giggling, occasionally sharing it with her brother. For a fleeting moment I worried she would ruin the surprise since she can read. Surely signs like "Disneyland Theme Park: Next Exit" and "Disneyland Drive" and "Magic Way" would tip her off.  Alas, she hardly bothered to look up at all. Why, we made it all the way to  Disneyland Drive by the time she finally looked up to see a lovely row of giant palm trees near Downtown Disney.  "Wow, it's pretty here," she remarked rather mechanically. "It's like a resort.  We should come her for spring break."  Then she went back to Calvin & Hobbes.

It wasn't until we pulled into the parking structure that Kai asked, "Are we going to stop the car now?" 

"Yep, we're stoppin' awwright!  And guess what??" I announced in my emcee voice. 

"What?!" they asked in unison.

"Today, Kids, we're going to .... [trumpet blows][but only inside my head] DISNEYLAND!!!" 

Kai yelled, "YAAAAAAAY!  I love Disneyland!!" (n.2)

Jade yelled, "WHAT?"

"Yeah, we're here! At Disneyland! This is what we're going to do today!!" I replied.  I was at once proud of all my hard work at arranging this trip and relieved I no longer had to keep it secret.  Now they would be the Happiest Kids on Earth. 

"I wanted to go to the Discovery Science museum," said Jade, quite deflatedly.

"Are you shittin' me?" I yelled, astonished.  Okay, I didn't really (except in the cartoon bubble above my head). Instead I said, "But it's Disneyland. The Happiest Place on Earth," smiling through clenched teeth. 

"But ..."

Meanwhile, from Kai: "Awwww, c'mon Jadey! You'll love it! It's Disneyland! I love Disneyland!" He had an enthusiasm reminiscent of Eddie Haskell, only a sincere Eddie Haskell.

"You've never even been there!" she snapped.

"Soooo.  I love it! I still love it, Jadey!"

Ignoring Kai, Jade directed her grievance to me. Actually, it was the second great grievance she would suffer in a span of 4 minutes:

"You're probably not going to let me take my library book in there, are you?" 

***

Kai loved everything he saw at Disneyland. He fondled lampposts, pressed his nose up against the window of the stores, shouted excitedly everytime he saw a character from "Nightmare Before Christmas," and thought his giant churro was the best one he'd ever had.  Once, as we stood in line for a ride he looked down at the ground and exclaimed, "Look! Mommy, look!" pointing downward.  "Cracks in the cement! Look! Isn't that awesome?"(n.3) And I guess it was, in its own way.

***

Lest you think that Jade is either 1) a grumpy bitch or 2) a spoiled brat, let me just say that she's really not. After giving some thought to how my Great Plan could have gone so quickly and horribly south, and after overcoming the urge to be pissed off at what seemed to be her ingratitude, I realized it was perhaps I who was being unreasonable.  Why should I assume that she would want to go to an amusement park where candy and rides abound and everyone is happy and perfectly groomed? (I'm speaking of the employees, of course.  Many visitors were either children having meltdowns or parents yelling at children having meltdowns, and most were not well-groomed.) The fact is, Jade doesn't like being in dark places with lots of loud and bright stimuli, and it happens that many a Disneyland ride was created from the magic formula D x (SO)2, where D=darkness and SO=Sensory Overload. Jade also dislikes roller coasters and rides that make one dizzy.(n.4)

Except for the Teacups, that is. If I were to think up my own torture, it would be to make me ride in the Teacups over and over and over.(n.5)  In fact, I can't watch other people in the Teacups without feeling the urge to vomit and pass out. You can imagine how much I suffered to take this picture:

Honestly, does this look like a kid who would rather be testing the effects of erosion at a stream table or staring at a giant water vortex at a science museum?

***

When I asked Kai what his favorite part of Disneyland was, he replied, "The twam."

"The tram?"

"Yeah, you know.  We pahked the cah and then we wode in that twam."

"You mean . . . that shuttle that took us to the front of Disneyland? Before the place where we pay for tickets?"

"Yeah. That was fun! I want to go there again."

***
Sigh.  If only I had known we could just ride the tram back and forth all day. Jade would have read her library book, Kai would have delighted at the cracks in the cement, and I could have saved $150 (not including meals).   

Still, at the end of the day it was worth it because Jade thanked me many times over and told me it had been "the best day of [my] life!"

___

n. 1. When I was Jade's age, I thought I was going to be a private eye when I grew up. I was an acute observer of people, always looking for clues to ... I don't know what.  Perhaps my children lack my dogged zeal to investigate suspicious behaviors.

n. 2  Until yesterday, Kai had never even been to Disneyland.

n. 3. In Kai's world, everything is either "awesome!" or "adorable!"

n. 4. Oddly, reading in a moving car does not make her nauseated, and she is more than happy to spin around in circles until she falls into a dizzy heap.

n. 5.Perhaps I've said too much.