girl, interrupted

A few weeks ago at California Adventure Jade alllllllmost rode the Mulholland Madness rollercoaster, but then she backed out at the very last minute. Nay, the very last second. She expressed her doubts after we had been waiting in line, just as we were settling into our car.  "It'll be fun! Don't worry," I assured her.  "Remember how you didn't want to go on the river rafting ride and now it's 'your most favorite ride. EVER.'?" 

Jade: No. No. No. No. I don't want to go on this.

She happened to say this just as the Mulholland Madness Safety Assistant walked by to make sure we were safely pinned to our seats. Everyone else was strapped in and ready to go.

MMSA [to Jade]: What's the matter?

Jade: I don't want to go on this ride.

Me: Ohhhh, she'll be fine. She's fine! [In my head: Move along, sir.]

MMSA: Ma'am, we can't make her ride if she doesn't want to.

Jade: I don't want to!

Me: [INHAAAAAAAAAALE.  EXHAAAAAAAAAALE. INNNNHAAAAAAAALE.  EXXXXXHAAAAAAALE.] Okaaaaaaaaay.   Everybody out!

Kai [from the seat behind us]: Wha? Why? What's going on?

Me: Chop chop! People are waiting!

***

I herded them off the ride and down the stairs while the lucky ones got to remain in their seats and ride the ride.  Was I bitter that I wound up sitting on a bench sandwiched between my two crying kids on a blistering hot and crowded day?  Benched, while my friend and her daughter enjoyed the Mulholland Madness? Oh come on, you know me better than that.

As we sat there waiting while everyone else had all the fun, Jade and I talked about facing fears. I don't mind that she is afraid of roller coasters, I understand that. One of the reasons I don't enjoy amusement parks much these days is because Jade doesn't like riding the rides (except for the Teacups) and I always have to sit out with her because Hello? perverts frequent amusement parks looking for little girls who sit alone while their parents are on the rides.  Jade is perfectly happy to just walk around and look at everything, but I am not so happy to shell out all that money on a sightseeing tour.  I mean, take a picture, it lasts longer!  (And costs less).  Sooo, the only reason we ended up at California Adventure in the first place was that my dear friend Deb was in town from Virginia with one of her daughters, and they really really wanted to go.

I was pleasantly surprised when Jade told me she actually wanted to try the sissy* rollercoaster; I think she must have been feeling pretty confident after surrendering to the Grizzly River Run earlier in the day, only to discover she had a HUGE EFFING BLAST.  Alas, at the last minute, piling into Mulholland Madness, she let her fear overwhelm her.

I told her that everyone has fears, and sometimes in order to conquer them you have to go to that place inside where you store up your guts, and you have to call on those guts to power you through the fear.  Take a deep breath, dig deep, all that stuff.  That was essentially the message.

A little while later we sat frying eggs on the concrete while we waited for the High School Musical traveling parade,** and Jade asked, "Were you really going to take me to a mental hospital?"

Me: Huh?

Jade: You said I would have to go to a mental hospital.

Me: What? When? I never said that.

Jade: Yes you did.  You said that when I let my fear overwhelm me I would need to "go to that place." I thought that "that place" was a mental hospital.

Poor kid!  For about twenty minutes she probably thought that when we got home she would have to pack a suitcase and say goodbye, and she wouldn't even get to turn in her book report. I'm glad we cleared that one up.

On the bright side, it forced her reflect on how to deal with her fears and to make an effort to try harder whenever she's outside her comfort zone.  That's more like the kind of commitment I had in mind. 

_____

*Compared to its awesome cousin, California Screamin'

**Someone please shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Comments

[heart shaped hedges]

You must have the patience of a saint, I would have let loose on the MM Safety Assistant. (who is the parent? and is it "unsafe" to ride while in fear?)

My daughter has waited 2 years to be tall enough to ride Tower of Terror. A week ago she got to live out her fantasy of enjoying her brother's favorite ride. She has gone on many times sense, and it's always the same...

Excitement as we enter the ride and muttering through her sobs "I hate that ride" after she gets off.

And as for that High School Musical show....we sit and watch, while my kids dance and sing like spastics....and then we RUN and chase it, dancing and waving at Troy Bolton....until it stops at the other end of the park, where we sit and watch it again. Good Times.

God bless the Disney Pass.

[CM]

Did you ever figure out why she thought "that place" was a mental hospital?

A regular hospital, I can understand... that's where some people's guts end up.

[dgm]

hsh: call me a wet blanket--HSM is just wrong.
cm: i have nooooo idea.

[Gil]

I've had virtually the same experience with my son, multiple times.

We go to the top of the Stratosphere and then he decides he doesn't want to ride Insanity. I explain that it's safe, we can watch it a few times, etc. He knows it's safe but is afraid anyway. I remind him of the last time he was afraid, and then tried a ride, and then raved about it for days. And, I remind him that facing your fears is good, and the fear makes the ride more fun, etc. He's still not sure...

Fortunately, I've always been able to convince him to ride. I'm sure I would have been unable to hide my frustration if I hadn't.

I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to, and I wouldn't, but I'm pretty sure that he really wants to ride if he could just get past the fear.

It's an interesting problem. We have to learn how to negotiate between our present selves and our future selves, because many decisions involve disputes between these two. Maybe somebody has discovered a way to help kids (and adults, for that matter) learn how to do this better, but if so, I'm unaware of the technique.

[Gil]

Also, I think that part of it is that people have different personalities and temperaments.

For me, theory can control my behavior. I'm able to decide to fly, or ride, based on thinking about the statistics, and the incentives, and the insurance companies, etc.

My son is much more controlled by emotions. Even if he understands that the fear is irrational, there's still a long way to go before he's ready to change his behavior.

I'm not sure how much people can change these traits.

[kristin]

I am the designated coaster rider in the family... Hugh will not do it... if I'm not there, the kids just don't get to go... Jake, fortunately, sort of hates them, but Jack is a different story and I am forced to white knuckle my way through all sorts of horrible "fun".

[dgm]

kristin, always there to take a bullet for the team!

gil, i agree it's a tough problem. i'm like you in that i tend to rely on reason to help me deal with fears, but jade is like your son--she is very emotional about fear (even though i would generally say of her that she is very logical). i also agree that people probably can't change these traits very easily. i think it's a big step for us as parents to at least recognize this about our kids so that we don't end up belittling their fears; at the same time, it's hard to figure out how much to push them outside their comfort zone in order to help them along a little. i try to save the forcing her to face fears for the big things, e.g., she had to have an MRI and was terrified, but there was no negotiating that one. instead, we did a trial run to see the machine, talked about why she needed the MRI, met the technician--all things that helped her process the ordeal first. the smaller things, e.g., her fear of rides, her dislike of the movie theater, i don't force because who the hell really cares if she does that? i am not above nudging her out of her comfort zone, which is how i got her on the rafting ride in the first place (told her that while we were standing in line she should come up with the worst things that could happen on the ride and tell me why those were enough to keep her off). she resisted vehemently but by the time we got to our raft she was nervous but excited.

well, i ramble. i've been toying with this topic for a blog post, so maybe sometime fuller thoughts will see the light of day.

[Gil]

d,

I look forward to it.

It sounds like we're on the same page.

I think facing fear with reason rather than being immobilized by it is an important thing. It could help with lots of important decisions, and could even save your life one day (or that of a loved one). So, I think it's a very valuable habit to cultivate and I'm really interested in using "teaching moments" to help him along.

But, on the other hand, I'm really against coercion. I think it's often a violation of autonomy, and also usually counter-productive. So, I try to find the right times and levels to encourage getting over momentary fears when it seems to make sense. Amusement park rides provide a good opportunity for this, but I'm always concerned about not pushing too hard.